Time

Good morning my lovelies!

Believe it or not I’ve been trying to blog for 4 days now and haven’t been able to put fingers to keys long enough to get it done. My little ones are pretty busy and I think the smallest of the Rascals is most definitely teething. He has been enjoying lots of cuddle time with Mommy (I think I’ve been enjoying it even more).

The time change also but a little hitch in our giddy up yesterday with both boys kinda fussy and pretty tired. Sugar Balls and the biggest Rascal were able to decorate our front porch with Christmas lights yesterday and it looks beautiful. I know this seems a bit early but the weather was a still chilly but beautiful sunny 50 degree day and we won’t have many more of those. We are going to a Christmas Tree farm on Sunday with the little ones and in In-Laws to cut down our trees. I know this also seems early but since we are cutting them down ourselves they will be nice and fresh and should be able to last nicely until after the holidays. I will be having surgery on the 17th for my carpel tunnel and that will require me to be in a cast for 11 days plus a brace for more days after that… I really want to do as much decorating as I can before that time. I will have the same surgery on my right hand later next year.

I’m so happy that I have my little ones and such a wonderful husband to really help me get into the spirit of things. After losing my Mother in September I didn’t know if I would be able to enjoy the holiday season but I’m finding myself excited as we teach our oldest about Santa and Christmas. I really want to do my best to make this a special time for my Mother's Husband as well, he is after all the only father I ever knew and such a wonderful man. I know presents can’t replace my Mom or necessarily make the day any easier but I’m happy that we have lots of stuff for him and that the boys will for sure bring him joy. He plans on visiting us this week so I know Rascal 1 will enjoy showing him the lights.

I’ve also started walking. When I set up my goals the first one I set  was that I would purchase a treadmill after completing at least 500 minutes of exercise within 5 months. I didn’t realize at the time that I would be able to easily do that. I never exercise, I don’t enjoy sweating, and I hate manual labor so I thought that it would be nearly impossible for me to do this. I’m happy to say that as of yesterday I have already logged 140 minutes and I just started on the 2nd. I bring my IPod and listen to podcasts and or music but I find myself mostly lost in thought. It was so beautiful and so sunny yesterday. I live in the middle of nowhere Maine woods (we recently moved here in 2009 to be closer to the In-Laws and I’m not really the outdoor type unless it is at the beach, lake or ocean but I have to admit it is beautiful here).
Usually when I’m walking I keep my eye out for animals as I have already seen 2 black bear cubs on my road along and numerous, raccoons, foxes, rabbits, skunks,  deer and moose. I think I’m most scared of running to a skunk, luckily they seem to only come out at night.

Yesterday as I was looking into the woods and the water beyond with the sun shining in my face I couldn’t help but think of my mother and her life and how short it was. My mother was only 17 when she had me and 44 when she died. I can’t imagine not being here in 17 years, not seeing my children as adults, not seeing Sugar Balls hair gray (although judging by his bother and father it will happen sooner than later. Sorry honey but we both know it is true… and I think you will look sexy not that your father or brother look sexy because that is gross and they don’t..yuck…double yuck ).

My husband and I have sadly endured many great loses during our short 7 years together. When you lose loved ones especially young loved ones you really gain a new respect for life. You quickly learn to say I love you multiple times daily, to value family dinners, to really immerse ourselves into the lives of those we love, to hug tightly and just a second or two longer than normal. Sugar Balls and I truly value our life, our boys, our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, pets, our food, heat, water, EVERYTHING. Yes we sometimes get into modes where we find ourselves wanting things, superficial things, but doesn’t everyone? What I’m getting it and what I realized yesterday on my walk is that I have and do value every day of my life and those around me, every moment that I have, and every morning that I wake; but, I have not valued my health… Which is just crazy because I LOVE my life and I want it to be a very long one.

So why have I waited so long to get healthy, to get better? Well I also LOVE food and I have already associated food with celebration and happiness. I need to start loving myself more. I can’t let the lives of those we have loved and lost be in vain, I can't think back at the pain and sorrow and the sadness in their life ending and not grasp onto mine and get control of what I put into my body and how I treat my body. I will eat better, I will also still enjoy chocolate and pizza just not nearly as much. I will exercise because I can, walking is free, it is easy, and my surroundings although I’m not outdoorsy are beautiful. Yesterday as I put one foot in front of the other I thought of my Mom of my life and loves and it gave me the extra boost to walk a little quicker to push a little harder.

When I told my father about my WLS he had said my mother had always wished that I could get a grasp of my weight, that I could do something to get healthier. He told me she would be happy with my choice. I refuse to let my mom watch me from above and be disappointed with me, with what I am doing with this wonderful gift I have been given, with my band, with my boys, with SB, and with my time.

-L