Friday, May 25, 2012


So I have kinda been in a hole for a while and I willingly kept myself there. I think a lot of my problems stem from still dealing with the loss of my Mom it will be a year in September and I hear that after you pass the year mark it gets easier… I know it will get easier but it just seems so out of reach sometimes.

I had completely withdrawn myself from my family and friends. I was reading as if my life depended on it and would only really interact when I had to. I just felt, well I just kinda felt empty, sad, pained, all kinds of stuff and reading helped me to focus on something other than my feelings.
My Step Dad (only Dad I have ever known) is already dating and has been for awhile. He lives in my hometown which is where my entire family lives as well. The girl is a local and so if any of you live in a small town you can imagine all the talk. It is really hurting my Grandmother and I was letting it consume me as well. 

I kept telling my Grandmother and myself that regardless of how alone he stayed or how many people he saw we would miss my mom the same, we would hurt the same, and she would still be gone never to come back to us, until we one day join her. But it still hurt, I was sick to my stomach thinking about it, I felt/feel angry. I got up the nerve to talk to my Step Dad and tell him how I felt (something I normally would have kept to myself so not to cause him more pain but it was eating me alive). It turned out telling him how I felt only made me feel worse. The conversation was the first one we ever had that was heated where he kinda fought with me. He is still hurting I know that, it ended with me telling him to do as he wanted that I didn’t want him to be in pain, to be alone, to be sad. He shouldn’t be alone, or in pain, or sad. After that talk I slowly started to deal with and accept it. I don’t like it; I think it is disrespectful to my mother, my family, myself. I think it is too soon. I think it is awful. I however don’t know what I would do or feel if I lost my husband, at this moment I think I would be so hurt, sad, and lost, that the only reason I would carry on would be because of my boys. But we can’t really say how we would handle something until it actually happens to us, right?
It took Sugar Balls telling me that I was basically making him feel like I no longer wanted him and how much my being withdrawn was hurting him to get me to look at how I was behaving and make a change..

When I think about my husband, boys, family, friends, home, life, I know I’m so very blessed and have so much to be happy about. I feel like having my life I should be smiling all the time and I wasn’t. Acting how I was just made it seem like I was so unthankful and unappreciative for my life and those in it when I’m really so thankful and grateful of the life I have. I had only dreamed growing up to have the family and the home that I’m blessed with and I needed to start showing those I love how much I love them.

I have always had seasonal depression (Who doesn’t when they live in Maine?) and have taken Prozac to control and which has always worked. The Prozac just wasn’t helping me out of this funk. I was so tired all the time and just had no interest or felt hardly any joy in anything I did or had. With that realization I called and made a doctor appointment and have since started taking Zoloft in place of Prozac and I’m already feeling more like myself and improving daily. 

I know some people are against medication but I’m all for doing and taking any safe measure to help me life the best life I can while I’m on this earth. Regardless if it is getting the Lap Band, having a tummy tuck, breast lift, wearing makeup, dressing sexy or taking Zoloft, if it works and it is safe why not? I’m already not as tired, Interacting a ton more with my babies, talking more than I believe I have in a month and just once again being thankful and appreciative of my life and my time.
I also interviewed for a job yesterday

 As some of you may know I currently stay home with my boys. With my MIL no longer working and more than willing to watch our boys for us I now have a chance to work. Things are tight and stressful living with one paycheck and although getting a job and not being home with my boys all the time will be bittersweet I think in the long run it will really improve my family’s quality of life and also do me a lot of good to get out in the community and make some new friends (I haven’t worked since we moved here and my friends live 2 hours away). 

So I’m not nor have my ever been a stress eater in the past but I did find myself on a couple of occasions stress eating during all of this. Aside from those couple of times I have done pretty well with my food. I need to increase my water intake and also start drinking my Unjury protein shakes again because they really show me results. Since my last post I have lost 8.9 pounds. I’m down to 225.2 with a total loss of 49 pounds. Which is an average of 6 pounds a month, I know I could have done better and lower but it is what it is and I’m happy with what I have lost. 

My biggest problem is exercise and water intake. I probably drink 30 oz a day of liquid (non-sugar beverages and water). I really honestly enjoy doing the c25k on the treadmill. I love how I feel after I have ran and I’m all sweaty (even though I don’t like sweating, hehe) I like the ache my body gets from working it out and knowing that my time spent exercising was put to good use. I just have trouble getting the motivation to get my ass on the treadmill. It is so crazy, I know it will help me get healthy, and go down in weight, I also know I will be proud and feel good mentally and physically after I do it, but I still put it off. AH! Any ideas ladies on what I can do to change it?

Sugar Balls has been encouraging me to blog for 2 months now, he says he loves reading my blog and that he thinks I should keep it up. I’m happy that you have pushed me to do this SB just getting it out in writing has made me feel better and empowered. I love you and I’m so happy you want forever with me.