Sunday, September 4, 2011

I am my Mother's Daughter

OK I have written and deleted this first sentence 20 times over so here goes. Yesterday on September 3rd my Mom passed away with me by her side. My mother had always seemed so healthy to me she was always thin, tan ,and beautiful and just seemed invincible. Unfortunately my mother was diagnosed with Peripheral Vascular Disease 2 years ago this November. Her disease lead to Kidney failure,2 heart attacks and finally one of the main vessels leading into her bowels became blocked and was not able to deliver the blood needed to stay alive. I spent the last 5 days at the hospital making decisions my Mother had tried to help prepare me for and quickly realized there was no way to prepare for such a loss. I did my best to make my Mom proud and help my Step Father by doing all the things he just couldn't handle doing. My Mom was only 44 years old and I'm completely heartbroken. I never told my Mother about my choice to have Lap Band or the upcoming surgery as she would have had a hard time keeping the secret. I take comfort in knowing that my Mother will be with me on this journey. Now more than ever, I will take her strength and use the pain I felt these past days to help me succeed. I want to do anything and everything I can to be healthy, I do not want my children to have to feel the loss and make the decision that I have had to do. Thankfully my children will only know fun times with my Mom they aren't old enough to realize she was sick or see her pain. I won't have to explain why she isn't around and see their hearts break, but when they are older I will have pictures and wonderful stories to share with them about how much she loved them.

My Step Father is staying with us as he just can't face going back to their house and town where everyone knows and will want to share with sorrow with him. He is here where my Mom wanted him to be with moments of happy distractions from his Grandchild. I just talked to him about my surgery that is coming up in 4 short days. He said my Mom would have been proud of my choice and supported me but he too agrees that she would have had a hard time keeping the information to herself :-) He is happy to support me and help with the aftermath. I'm so lucky to have him.

I just want to say how thankful I am to have you ladies who are more or less strangers to share my feelings and hardships with. I'm so thankful I have a place to speak freely and openly and relieve some of my pain. Typing is my easier than talking.

My Surgery is Thursday 9/8 and I'm ready for the life change.

1 comment:

  1. Oh dear. I just was reading your back posts and came across this one. I am so sorry for your loss. And thinking about the upcoming holiday, I hope you continue to find comfort in her spirit by your side and the memories you shared.