Regrets

 

So I have kinda been in a hole for a while and I willingly kept myself there. I think a lot of my problems stem from still dealing with the loss of my Mom it will be a year in September and I hear that after you pass the year mark it gets easier… I know it will get easier but it just seems so out of reach sometimes.

I had completely withdrawn myself from my family and friends. I was reading as if my life depended on it and would only really interact when I had to. I just felt, well I just kinda felt empty, sad, pained, all kinds of stuff and reading helped me to focus on something other than my feelings.

My Step Dad (only Dad I have ever known) is already dating and has been for awhile. He lives in my hometown which is where my entire family lives as well. The girl is a local and so if any of you live in a small town you can imagine all the talk. It is really hurting my Grandmother and I was letting it consume me as well. 

I kept telling my Grandmother and myself that regardless of how alone he stayed or how many people he saw we would miss my mom the same, we would hurt the same, and she would still be gone never to come back to us, until we one day join her. But it still hurt, I was sick to my stomach thinking about it, I felt/feel angry. I got up the nerve to talk to my Step Dad and tell him how I felt (something I normally would have kept to myself so not to cause him more pain but it was eating me alive). It turned out telling him how I felt only made me feel worse. The conversation was the first one we ever had that was heated where he kinda fought with me. He is still hurting I know that, it ended with me telling him to do as he wanted that I didn’t want him to be in pain, to be alone, to be sad. He shouldn’t be alone, or in pain, or sad. After that talk I slowly started to deal with and accept it. I don’t like it; I think it is disrespectful to my mother, my family, myself. I think it is too soon. I think it is awful. I however don’t know what I would do or feel if I lost my husband, at this moment I think I would be so hurt, sad, and lost, that the only reason I would carry on would be because of my boys. But we can’t really say how we would handle something until it actually happens to us, right?

It took Sugar Balls telling me that I was basically making him feel like I no longer wanted him and how much my being withdrawn was hurting him to get me to look at how I was behaving and make a change..

When I think about my husband, boys, family, friends, home, life, I know I’m so very blessed and have so much to be happy about. I feel like having my life I should be smiling all the time and I wasn’t. Acting how I was just made it seem like I was so unthankful and unappreciative for my life and those in it when I’m really so thankful and grateful of the life I have. I had only dreamed growing up to have the family and the home that I’m blessed with and I needed to start showing those I love how much I love them.

I have always had seasonal depression (Who doesn’t when they live in Maine?) and have taken Prozac to control and which has always worked. The Prozac just wasn’t helping me out of this funk. I was so tired all the time and just had no interest or felt hardly any joy in anything I did or had. With that realization I called and made a doctor appointment and have since started taking Zoloft in place of Prozac and I’m already feeling more like myself and improving daily. 

I know some people are against medication but I’m all for doing and taking any safe measure to help me life the best life I can while I’m on this earth. Regardless if it is getting the Lap Band, having a tummy tuck, breast lift, wearing makeup, dressing sexy or taking Zoloft, if it works and it is safe why not? I’m already not as tired, Interacting a ton more with my babies, talking more than I believe I have in a month and just once again being thankful and appreciative of my life and my time.

I also interviewed for a job yesterday

 As some of you may know I currently stay home with my boys. With my MIL no longer working and more than willing to watch our boys for us I now have a chance to work. Things are tight and stressful living with one paycheck and although getting a job and not being home with my boys all the time will be bittersweet I think in the long run it will really improve my family’s quality of life and also do me a lot of good to get out in the community and make some new friends (I haven’t worked since we moved here and my friends live 2 hours away). 

So I’m not nor have my ever been a stress eater in the past but I did find myself on a couple of occasions stress eating during all of this. Aside from those couple of times I have done pretty well with my food. I need to increase my water intake and also start drinking my Unjury protein shakes again because they really show me results. Since my last post I have lost 8.9 pounds. I’m down to 225.2 with a total loss of 49 pounds. Which is an average of 6 pounds a month, I know I could have done better and lower but it is what it is and I’m happy with what I have lost. 

My biggest problem is exercise and water intake. I probably drink 30 oz a day of liquid (non-sugar beverages and water). I really honestly enjoy doing the c25k on the treadmill. I love how I feel after I have ran and I’m all sweaty (even though I don’t like sweating, hehe) I like the ache my body gets from working it out and knowing that my time spent exercising was put to good use. I just have trouble getting the motivation to get my ass on the treadmill. It is so crazy, I know it will help me get healthy, and go down in weight, I also know I will be proud and feel good mentally and physically after I do it, but I still put it off. AH! Any ideas ladies on what I can do to change it?

Sugar Balls has been encouraging me to blog for 2 months now, he says he loves reading my blog and that he thinks I should keep it up. I’m happy that you have pushed me to do this SB just getting it out in writing has made me feel better and empowered. I love you and I’m so happy you want forever with me.

-L

Avoidance

Well, that ladies, is what I have been pretty good at lately. We had a great vacation filled with lots of walking, lots of smiles and lots of Disney. Luckily for me, aside from the ocean, Disney is my favorite place to be. We did eat like we were on vacation, including me. I told myself I wouldn’t, but I did. The worst that I ate was an entire bag of cotton candy, a candy apple, and a macadamia nut turtle, along with lots of sweet tea. Sweet tea in Maine is just not the same as it is the south.
I have not exercised in 3 weeks and I’m feeling it. Between eating like crap and no exercise, I’m finding myself moody, lacking energy, and just feeling like total shit.
So what am I going to do about it? Well, lately I’m all talk. I literally have to talk myself out get myself pumped up, and then I will do better. I’m pretty sick right now with a sinus infection and also the sweats (ugh), so once that goes away SB and I will start running again. He too as been off the wagon. He is the perfect weight but stills aims to be healthy.
I did call my doctor to push my fill ahead, as I have to start jury duty on the 21st which was the same day as my next fill. So I go on Thursday this week to get my fill, and I can’t wait. One thing about me is I don’t deliberately eat sliders (aside from my Greek yogurt); therefore, I know my food intake will be reduced significantly once I get my fill. I haven’t been drinking my protein shakes because I haven’t been giving 100% to being healthy, i.e. exercising and eating right. The shakes cost too much to drink to then turn around and have a grilled cheese.
Up until today I hadn’t weighed myself in 33 days. I stepped on today and I had a loss of .9 I’m down to 234.1. I don’t deserve to be down even that much, not with the way I have been eating. I am happy I didn’t gain, but I’m not looking at it thinking that I will be able to eat like crap and still maintain once I reach my goal weight. This isn’t just about being smaller it is about being healthy. When I’m eating and exercising both my physical and mental health is so much better. Knowing that, you would think I wouldn’t go down the wrong path like I do.
Why do we hurt ourselves? I’m not an emotional eater so I can’t blame it on any stress I’m dealing with. It is just self destruction/stupidity.
Well, really do feel like shit from my sinus infection and fever so I’m going to end this. I just need to get back in step and I know using this will help me to get there. I will be catching up on blogs this week as well.
Please don’t hold back feel free to tell me to stop fucking up.

Quickie

 

I went ahead and got an un-fill but my doctor felt it was pointless to only take out .25ccs and that I wouldn’t notice it so be took out .5 ccs to take me back down to 4. I miss the restriction that I had with 4.5 and I guess that tells me that I just need to chew better and accept the loss of some foods in order to use the band as it should be used.

I have lost a total of 40 pounds so far. That is pretty exciting.

We are leaving for Disney on Monday and I was so excited to pack and fit into all of the shorts I wore on my honeymoon in 2008.

 

Blog to you soon!

Advice Please

 

As you may recall I had both a fill and un-fill on January 20th (as written here).

I have since been having some small problems that continue to happen in general and not just when I eat too quickly, don’t chew well enough, and eat foods that don’t get along with my band.

When eating moist chicken for example: I will chew it right and sometimes as soon as the first bite but often after a couple bites I start to “feel” my band. I’m not sure if it is my band that I’m feeling but I am getting a feeling very similar to getting something stuck. Most often there is nothing stuck and sometimes I have had to PB. I know it isn’t due to eating too much because I’m getting this feeling after just a few bites, we are talking about 1/4 cup of food here.

I looked online and I do not have indigestion, or night coughs but my weight loss has slowed and again I’m uncomfortable whenever I eat. The only time I don’t notice this feeling is when I’m eating yogurt or another slider type food.

I’m often tight in the morning and get the burps after drinking just a little but this eases up and my Doctor did inform me morning tightness is normal.

Okay long story short, I called my Doctors today and spoke with one of the lovely ladies or I believe also had a band if not she had gastric (she has talked about it with others but I haven’t caught what procedure she has, just that she has had one). She told me that I shouldn’t being feel discomfort when I eat and that I should only feel that when I don’t chew right, don’t eat the right foods, or eat to much. Just as I had read online.

So I scheduled an appointment for an un-fill next Wednesday.

Do you think I was right in doing so, is what I’m experiencing normal for you veterans?

I just don’t want to back step I really want to get this right and it is so hard when you don’t really know what to feel and what is normal.

I am currently at 4.5 ccs and I’m hoping that the doc will just take me down to 4.25ccs as last time I felt as if 4ccs wasn’t enough.

Any thoughts?

-L

Obsessed

 

So I have been around but I have not been a good blogger. Thanks to a friend I’m addicted to a new book trilogy and that has been keeping me from my blog. If anyone likes a good romance with some added adult smut you really must read the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy by E.L. James. Really good book.

I weighed in yesterday for only a .2 pound loss… that is point two… ugh. I did take off 3 days from exercise during my Birthday extravaganza but I didn’t eat too badly.

Speaking of my B-day Saturday night we went to a friends house for poker and board games (two of our favorite things). When we do this as a group  we always order pizza. I didn’t want to load up on pizza but I also didn’t have any choices that wouldn’t come to me having at least been fried. I went with Chicken Fingers. The fingers were really good homemade chicken with a very, very thin batter. However, they were dry. I was able to slowly eat two but had to excuse myself and PB in the bathroom due to the dryness. Now I had already been told how good I was looking so I was just hoping that they wouldn’t hear me and think that I had a new eating disorder (I consider overeating like I was before as an eating disorder). Thankfully no one heard me. I went back and did have 1 piece of pizza. Our friend is also a manager for Lindt chocolate so as usually there was lots of that. He very nicely gave us some 70% dark chocolate for Valentines day and I kept it because well 70% dark if not eaten in large amounts isn’t bad for you. Over all I did great. I had the2 chicken fingers, 1 piece of pizza, and two chocolates. I did not have chips or soda.

For my birthday meal my MIL made me homemade baked beans and red hotdogs. If you aren’t from New England you may not understand my request for that as a b-day meal and you may have never in your life heard of red hotdogs. She also made homemade rolls and got me my favorite birthday cake.

 

I also had to celebrate my birthday during the Super Bowl ugh! So I read my book, enjoyed family company and watched the commercials.

So my weight is just not coming off at the speed that I think it could be. I have lost 37.7 pounds since my surgery on September 8th. That is an average of 7.5 pounds a month. But my weight loss has slowed and the majority of that loss is from the beginning of this trip.

To help me along I have set some goals.

1) Exercise more. Do more cardio in addition to the c25k program and add in strength training.

2) Have 3 to 4 protein shakes a day. I always notice more weight loss when I’m using the Unjury Protein Drinks.

3) Log my food even if I hate doing it!

4) Water, Water, Water, H. 2. O.

My new mini weight loss goal is to be under 200 by July 8th. That is 5 months from today and I think I’m setting the bar kinda low so if I work at it I know I can do it.

I hope you are all doing better than me because I need to read your blogs and push to be like you